*brings nachos to your exorcism*
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Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?