wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.