Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
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Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.