The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
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I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.