To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
#dnd #ttrpg
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it