them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I am a gravy boat captain
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this