Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.