CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
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Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he鈥檚 probably not a real magician.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It鈥檚 called an oughtobiography.
so much to do
A friend helps you before you need it
me: let鈥檚 do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
All generalizations are stupid.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she鈥檚 away & should never use emojis.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 馃Ч
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
When I say that I鈥檓 on low battery and can鈥檛 talk, rest assured I鈥檓 never talking about my phone.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn鈥檛 possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn鈥檛 do jail
Bj枚rk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…