People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
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The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.