[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
You Might Also Like
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.