Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”