They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
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Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
tinder is all about the long game