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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling