The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
More like Kate Missington.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him