me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
What’s a Messi?
🙂🐾
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good