Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
He’s dead
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
being a writer on Twitter:
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok