My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.