When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
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There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
oh you wanna fight?!
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
choose your fighter
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it