ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*