[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
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Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.