I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
doing some research
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.