People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
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“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber