Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
You Might Also Like
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
ouch
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.