Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
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I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*