I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.