I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
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So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Breaking news:
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.