[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
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My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Kermit goes Blue.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any