Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
They grow up so quick
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.