My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
You Might Also Like
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
oh you wanna fight?!
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster