Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
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One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Me driving through Toronto
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Tammy is short for Tamuel