“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
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Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I’ve had relationships like this
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
seems like a niche market
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”