Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Watermelon Boss!
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼