me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
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I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.