A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th