“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
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Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
knights of the ikea table
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!