look at me when i’m typing to you
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I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…