Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .