Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”