Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.