Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
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A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?