I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.