I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
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Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.