Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
The “baby” on the left….
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.