My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
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*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.