kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
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Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
good for her
Ugh
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?