Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake