If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices