A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
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My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day