5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week