You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
We cut our bangs at dawn.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do